two much love

i dont even know what to say.
is it possible to be in love with more than one person?
to be with someone but love the idea of someone else?

living.loving.learning.

my second year of college has began. i'm in a relationship i'm not completly sure i was ready for but i went into it anyways. and i've actually realized a lot being with this boy. he kind of drives me crazy, scratch that he drives me crazy and it is not always the good type of crazy. he is the total opposite of me. he's so carefree and he is always acting like a little kid, his favorite word is butthole and he loves to watch beavis and butthead. but if you put all that aside he is perfect for me.
yeah. he's a little bit of a crazy kid, but me, i'm a crazy bitch and that is why he is so perfect for me. i am crazy, i take life too seriously, i judge everyone i see for absolutely no reason at all, i get too too angry when people are driving just two miles under the speed limit. i don't know how to talk about my feelings so i bottle them up and take them out on the people i love because i know they'll forgive me for it. and put all that aside he still loves me.
you know that saying "if he can't handle you at your worst, then he doesn't deserve you at your best"
this boy is special and he is so so incredibly patient, because he is one of the few people on this earth that can not only deal with me when i'm being a crazy emotional bitch, he somehow finds a way and manages to calm me down.
he is such a beautiful person. he has taught me so much. he has taught me that there is so much shit in life that just isn't worth getting worked up about. five years down the road half the shit i cry and complain about won't matter.

but during our time together i've learned so much about myself. i am constantly telling him i will eventually open up to him and i always come really close in doing so but then for some reason i just shut down, and today i findally realized why i do that. he says it is cause i'm insecure within our relationship but that isn't it. i guess it could be put that i'm insecure with myself. i am so afraid to opening up to him because i'm afraid of losing someone that means so much to me. i'm scared to show him that i can be vulnerable because in the past when i've done so i was left.
it sucks to put your trust in to someone and then they just leave you without reason, and then you're left alone when you didn't think that would ever happen. i don't want him to see that i can be weak. i've always been known as the girl that doesn't cry. out of all my friends i'm the one everyone comes to when they need a shoulder to cry on. it is never the other way around. when i'm emotional and crying and sad and mad and just all over the place i don't know what to do with myself and it scares the crap out of me to see what happens when i let him see me that way. if not i can even handle myself how on earth is he supposed to?

but i guess that is where trust is just thrown into the situation again. trust is such an important factor in a relationship, and i've never given it out very easily because i've always been scared of getting hurt. i've learned a lot from this relationship. the boy means the world to me and i'm willing to risk everything for him.

i've never met a guy who treats me like a princess, who would do anything to put a smile on my face, who gets my sense of humor and can deal with my crazy faces and the insane sounds i make when i'm frustrated. i've never met a guy who gets along with my family so well, who can joke with my uncle and accept the nonsense that comes with meeting my parents.

i thought i was in love when i was with my ex. and then i met this almost too good to be true of a person and realized whatever it was in my last relationship it was not love. what i have now is love. he makes me want to be a better person. he has taught me more than he can imagine about the world. i'd call him perfect but i know that doesn't exist. but he's pretty damn close, my night in shining armor.

just because

this post is just because i feel the need to post something. not that anyone reads my posts, because i'm pretty sure no one does. except for ryan....which i don't know why he would. because i tell him all of this shit in person. so he definitely gets a double dose if he does read them. Anyways...I don't have practice today, that being one of the many reasons I love thursdays...and I only have two classes, today is a particularly even more wonderful  Thursday because the sun is shining.


happy thursday and happy i'm wearing green but am not exactly sure holiday day also!

trust

i feel like it should be the basis of all things. one of the main building blocks of life.
you know like if you were to build a pyramid trust would be the bottom layer.
cause it is supposed to be the strongest and hold the rest of the pyramid up.
yeah....well my pyramid of friendships is slowly crumbling actually scratch that
my pyramid of friendships is coming crashing down at rapid speed.



keep your enemies close but your "friends" closer.

because i no longer have fb

i'm giving up fb for lent. so now i have an abundance of time. which i know is a good thing. more time for homework and sleep which is just what i need with the kick of this crazy track season beginning. (: yay.

I've come to the conclusion

That I don't like blogging, it is just a place to complain.
That was point one. Point two: make up your damn mind....I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster you are putting me through. It is hilarious to me, that if you ever read this, you probably won't think the above statement is about you...but it most definitely is.

when you're sick

being sick at college is not at all the same as being sick at home.
last night i had never felt so miserable. So being the baby that I can be, I called my parents.
Who doesn't want to talk to mom and dad when they're not feeling well...at least so I thought?
But apparently my mom's idea of tender loving care was yelling at me. The 35 minute trip
to the emergency room was absolutely horrific, not only did I have to hear that loud obnoxious
voice that made me want to vomit, but she insisted on driving like a maniac.


I've learned I'm a grown up now. That magic number 18 that says you're independent.
Well I am now fully embracing it. Next time I'm sick and feel like I'm going to die, I won't
be calling my parents.

less than three

So...as I sit here trying to kill the two hours I have before running a race I don't know if I am actually prepared to run, there is only a billion and one things going through my mind. And as Valentine's day is quickly approaching of course the topic of love is occasionally crossing my already scattered thoughts.

I love a lot of things. I love eating, running, working out, cooking, learning, people, my cell phone, pictures, water bottles, being warm, and cuddling. I love sunshine, summer days, road trips, and glenns ferry, I love Nike shoes, shopping for swimsuits, and trying on dresses. I love singing, playing with my hair, honest people, giving and receiving hugs, good music, memorizing the lyrics to songs and meeting new people.

I love more things than I hate. But as much as I love loving, I just can't stand valentine's day. I'm all for giving someone cute presents and chocolates and red plastic hearts, but I cannot for the life of me understand why this holiday exists. I think it is dumb how we have a holiday to tell the people we love them that we love them. There are so many people in my life that I absolutely adore, I can't sum up my love for those people to all come down to one day in the year. I have to much love to give for just one day of the year. In my opinion we should treat our loved ones like every day is valentine's day. I would appreciate a huge teddy bear holding a sparkly stuffed heart way more on November 8th than on valentine's day.

I love the little things in life, being spontaneous and not caring. It is weird as I'm typing this I'm listening to pandora and every song that has played is a love song. I dig it though.

I thought I was in love once. It is weird that when you're in a relationship for a certain period of time, you think you're in love. But I have learned that "in love" is totally different that "love". Don't get me wrong I had strong feelings for that person...but I had stronger feelings for myself than I did for him. I cared more about what I wanted out of life than what he wanted in a future with me. I think that is how life is supposed to be though when you're 16. That 18 or 19 months or whatever it was taught me a lot though, not only about myself but just about life in general. I gained a new perspective on life after that relationship (if thats what it even was). I lost myself in that relationship because I kept trying to become the person he wanted or expected me to be. The break up was rough...but the break up was also how I found I wasn't in love with him. When you love someone or when you're IN love with someone you shouldn't be relieved when you realize that your time with that person is up. After we broke up that was all I felt was complete relief. I felt like I could finally be myself again, that I could finally breathe, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and still now looking back I've never been as happy as I am now.

I highly recommend to go to college single. I know my mother tried to warn me, and as much as I don't want to say she was right...she totally was. College is a huge life changing thing and it should be all about you. It is okay to be selfish when you're 18. Because when you're 18 your biggest problem should be figuring out your major not trying to find a way out of a completely unhealthy relationship. 18 is the age where you should be trying to figure out who you want to be in this crazy messed up world, and what you want to do with the life God has blessed you with. There are plenty of years for being in a relationship.

Okay, so looking over this, it kind of makes me come off a girl who doesn't believe in love. That is completely false, I'm a hopeless romantic. I love everything about love. I love having someone to call on, to miss, to kiss, all that great stuff...but it's definitely not the only topic on my mind. I believe that love is possible for everyone, I just don't think I necessarily need it right now, but if it comes along, Lord knows I'm not going to push it away. (:

I'm happy with who I am and who I am becoming, my plans for my life, the goals I've accomplished and the goals I have yet to achieve. Like I said I've never been as happy as I am now in my life. Finding someone to share my utter happiness with couldn't be a bad thing...it'd be more like delicious sweet icing to top off my cake of wonderfulness! (-:

the college life.

So, I am not completely sure how this whole blogging thing works, but I'm giving it a try. I have felt that everyone has some sort of blog...and to be honest I was kind of irritated with it at first. I mean I did give it some thought...hmm...maybe I should post one...but who would really read it? With the convincing of one of my best friends, Ryan aka mistajonez, we together decided that we would start "blogging."

I am unaware of what really I am supposed to be writing...so I'm just going to go for it.
So here it is:
 I'm a freshman in college, attending the wonderful College of Idaho, in little old Caldwell. I have to admit college is no joke. It makes high school look like a complete waste of time. However as much as high school seems pointless to me now, I know it wasn't. College has given me pretty strong feelings about a lot of things though. Like I've never cherished learning as much as I do now, because really it is a marvelous thing. I have also never cherished people as much as I do now. Going to C of I has opened my eyes completely as far as learning to love all people. Well going to Late Night on Tuesdays and Calvary Chapel on Sundays has also helped with that I'm sure. I've met so many amazing, different and eclectic people since school has began. I have gained a plethora of knowledge from living on an all girls floor and although at times I hate it I couldn't be happier with the outcome. The girls I live with our mad crazy, but boy they do keep my college experience interesting. Goodness, the things I've learned...to love everyone regardless of how different they are from you. Learn that headphones are absolutely miraculous for falling asleep at night. I've learned to love taking naps, sometimes its the only time you'll get any sleep. Wet hair is disgusting and it should never be left in a drain. Every girl is ashamed that they poop...and sometimes clog the toilet, I have only learned this because I'm the only girl who knows how to plunge a dang toilet! What else have I learned from living on voorhees three...oh! Three flights of stairs can put even the most fit girl out of breath. Being friends with a bunch of different guys and no matter what innocent activity you choose to do while they are in your room (such as homework) will almost ALWAYS start rumors about you with the other girls. Walls are thin...no matter what they are made out of. The door should be left open when four people are showering. The bigger the shampoo bottle the less likely it is I'll fall over when I shave my legs. Chocolate is a good thing to have on stock ALWAYS and to share when needed. At first, I was scared as crap to be living up there, I didn't think I could handle it, but I'm happy I'm there I think in a weird way we've somehow managed to become a sort of dysfunctional family and although Lord knows I don't get along with every girl every day...but I love all those girls for exactly the people they are.